If I Were The Scriptwriter For Soul Reaver 2
by Lemonhead
Summary: Yet another parody of Soul Reaver 2. I've added a new treat for you--Raziel's encounter with Ariel. These chapters aren't in the order they occur in the game, just whenever I happen to think of them. Wait till you see the ones with Janos (coming next)
1. A Whuppin'

When reading over the reviews of my recently-returned Nosgoth Times, which is also found in the Legacy of Kain section and which is hilariously funny and you should read it, I found someone requesting the return of my Soul Reaver 2 parody. I had previously removed this, for reasons which I forget, probably because it wasn't very original (at least no the concept) but if somebody liked it then I'll put it up to make them happy. Plus I think it's pretty funny.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoK. Also Kain's way of talking is not meant to insult black people, it's made up of almost ALL words and phrases I have heard from my black friends...in West Philly, that's the way people talk. What can I say.  
  
As the summary says, this is a new piece from the widely lauded author of The Nosgoth Times, which is also worth a read if I  
  
say so myself. This is kind of like outtakes I guess...except I'm rewriting the scripts for all the cutscenes in the LoK  
  
games, starting with SOul Reaver 2 as that's the only one I've played. They won't be altered so much that the plot will   
  
change, although now that I think of it that would be an interesting twist too, they're jsut changing the way the characters  
  
talk...as it would be IF I WERE THE SCRIPTWRITER FOR LEGACY OF KAIN!!!!  
  
Soul Reaver 2, Prologue  
  
(Raziel pushes open the doors of the Chronoplast Chamber and steps in)  
  
Kain (standing on a platform above and flipping switches)  
  
Damn, man, you took yoself a while. You know how long I been WAITIN' heah, bo'? And let me tell you, there ain't no porta-potties in this join'! I gotsta go like WHOA!  
  
Hey, now, did you like pimpslappin' yo little bruddas? Did Melchiah CRY when you beat his ass?  
  
Raziel  
  
Shut up! I didn't WANT to kill my little pals! Melchiah was always so cute with his weak little self...you bastard! I'm gonna get you for that AND for throwing me in the lake!  
  
Kain (flipping a switch and laughing)  
  
Shit happens man. Deal wid it. You think I sat around cryin' when I got killed? No, I got my ass right up and kicked some ass! That's what you should be doin'! Except I'm too GOOD fo' you!  
  
Raziel  
  
(Clearly exasperated) Shut the HELL UP! Come down here so I can kill you!  
  
Kain  
  
(Raises and eyebrow) Boy, I will lay the WHIPPIN' down on yo insolent black BEHIND if you don't GET yoself in check! I'ma smack you so hard, you ain't gon' know yo momma from yo daddy! And DON'T make any comments about my hair!  
  
Raziel  
  
  
  
(Summons the Reaver, but it's coming out of his middle claw) Here's what I think of you, 'Dad!'  
  
(Kain flips another switch and his eyes widen)  
  
YOUNG-BO'! Getcho BIG BLACK ASS OVAH HEAH SO I CAN SMACK IT!!!! Man, in mah day, we ain't TAKE nonna dis bullSHIT! When AH was young, some bo' got his tongue outta he head, we chopped dat join' OFF!  
  
Raziel  
  
I'll kill you as soon as you come near me! I've been to the Sarafan tomb, and you know what I found? I used to be a friggin' SARAFAN PRIEST! I'm gonna kill you for turning me into a VAMPIRE! (Raziel leaps at Kain, but Kain catches him and tosses him casually back down to the middle of the chamber and laughs)  
  
Kain  
  
Lil' bo', you stupid! Dem Sarafan, they was worse than us on a bad day!  
  
(Raziel Rises from the floor and challenges Kain to come get him)  
  
Raziel  
  
The Sarafan were the GOOD DAMN GUYS!!! WE are the BAD GUYS! Now COME DOWN HERE, you little PUSSY, Or I'll come and run you through with the Reaver!  
  
Kain  
  
You best be careful what you wish fo', negro! Cause I AM yo daddy! (He jumps down to Raziel)  
  
Raziel  
  
You're going to get what's coming to you now...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (Raziel, experiencing anger problems, goes into full battle crazyass mode and begins to beat the crap out of Kain. He then pins him up against the wall with his claw. A long fight ensues. Raziel finally has Kain at his mercy with the Soul Reaver drawn)  
  
Kain  
  
(Kain blast Raziel away from him with a burst of power. Raziel flies against the far wall and crumples to the floor, stunned)  
  
See, I TOLD you I was too good for you! You shouldn't a messed wit yo own daddy! That's what you get! (He vanishes and reappears in front of the time portal)  
  
Well, I see you some otha time! Holla! (He vanishes into the portal)  
  
Raziel  
  
COME BACK HERE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!! (He jumps up to the portal and runs through it)  
  
(Lights go out)  
  
(Raziel emerges in a smaller time streaming chamber. Moebius, robed and holding his staff, steps forward. Raziel's expression clearly says 'what the fuck?'  
  
Moebius  
  
(Jamaican accent)  
  
Hey, mon! How jah been? Everyting good? Now it's time for you to get up stand up! No more crap from dat demon Kain! Don't worry about a thing...every little thing is gonna be alright!  
  
Hope you like it...more coming soon! 


	2. Raziel Meets Jah Person

Here goes the second scene of Soul Reaver 2...between a manically depressed Raziel and a Rastafarian Moebius.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoK and I like Bob Marley music, but I'm not Rastafarian. A lot fo Moebius' lines are lyrics from Bob Marley's songs...if you listen to his music you'll recognise them, especially the ones that don't make much sense.  
  
Moebius  
  
Well mon! How you feeling now? You ready to go out and get Kain?  
  
(Raziel attempts to summon the Reaver, but Moebius' staff glows and the Reaver vanishes)  
  
Raziel  
  
Dude! Where's my reaver!  
  
Moebius (Looking mystified)  
  
Where's ya reaver dude?  
  
Raziel  
  
Dude, where's my Reaver?  
  
Moebius  
  
Where's your reaver dude?  
  
Raziel  
  
  
  
Screw this. I'll use the good ol CLAWS! (He pins Moebius against the wall, the Timestreamer's neck between Raziel's two claws)  
  
Moebius  
  
No, mon! I don't know how this happened mon! This staff, see, it make me de big fish and de vampire de small fish! But I donna want to hurt you! Let's get together and feel alright, mon! We can be good friends.  
  
Raziel  
  
Moebius, I know you're a bitch. And you are gonna GET IT NOW! (He pulls back his other claw) I should tear your head off right here and NOW!  
  
Moebius  
  
(Laughs) Well, maybe Jah want you to. (His expression changes to an evil grin) But you will not do it, mon.  
  
Raziel  
  
Watch me...  
  
Moebius  
  
I am de time streamer, and I can see everything that jah people do, Raziel...no, you won't kill me, because Kain does that in thirty years.  
  
Raziel  
  
(Let's him go, disgustedly)  
  
  
  
How do you know my name? You been PEEKING IN ON ME while I was TAKING SHOWERS?  
  
Moebius  
  
No, mon. When you were a Sarafan priest, you were a good mon. I knew you then. Do you remember when we used to all sit in the Sarafan fortress? And then Zephon would make de fire light, and it was burning through de night? Well...good friends we've had and good friends we've lsot along the way. But you don't need to be lovin' me now to work with me.  
  
(He walks to the doors of the room, and they open. He walks out and Raziel follows him.)  
  
(They step out into a big room. It is octagonal. On the walls are portraits of six guardians from long ago, being slaughtered by the ancient vampire Vorador. In the middle of the room is a basin filled with water.)  
  
Raziel  
  
Hey, where are we?  
  
Moebius  
  
We're in the old castle of the Sarafan, mon! But...the Sarafan have been long gone, blowin into de wind like dust. Now only me and jah few people that still follow me are trying to carry on their old crusade.  
  
Raziel  
  
(Looking at the portraits around the room)  
  
This is Vorador? He's kinda ugly.  
  
Moebius  
  
(Disgustedly) Yeah mon. He's a demon! He killed off six of the guardians right here! In this room! They were killed right before Jah eyes...  
  
Raziel  
  
(Suspicious) How did YOU get away then?  
  
Moebius  
  
Well, freedom came my way one day, and I started out of town, yeah. I was not there when it happend, mon. The circle, mon, we were torn apart. Only me and two others lived through it.  
  
Raziel  
  
That's so nice. (Turns on Moebius angrily) Now, I'm not stupid. I'm not just going to believe whatever you tell me. You're a pathological liar!  
  
Moebius   
  
(offended) Mon, who has been saying these bad things about me? I know, I don't expect to be justified by the laws of men...but it was Kain who told you these thing, yes? Kain is the demon that betrayed you! You cannot trust him!  
  
Raziel  
  
Well...maybe you're right...but I still don't trust you.  
  
Moebius  
  
Look at this mon. (He waves his staf and the candles around the basin light up. They look in and see a reflection of Kain standing at the pillars.) See, mon, how he's waiting there for you! You can take him out of there right now! Rise, you falling fighter and take your stand again! You can strike him down in Jah name! But first, you need to get out of here. I know that the soldiers cannot hurt you, but try not to kill off to many of Jah army. I will come back to you later when you have done this, Raziel! ( He vanishes)  
  
OK. That's chapter two. I now have three pieces up on fanfiction.net, so I probably won't be updating each one as often. Although chapter 3 of the vampire story should be up soon...I already have 50 pages of that story written, I just need to type them.  
  
Cheers! Hope you enjoyed...and remember to read Nosgoth Times! 


	3. Kain Be Gettin' His Mystical Speech On

IF I WERE THE SCRIPTWRITER FOR SOUL REAVER 2  
  
PART 3: THE PILLARS TURN BLACK; KAIN STAYS BLACK  
  
Remember, if you're a political correctness fanatic, don't read this, just like the first chapter. Or the rest of this story for that matter. I think we're past the days when any reference to racial stereotypes can automatically be called racism. But if you're not (or if you have no sense of humour) then don't read on.  
  
  
  
Raziel approaches the pillars.  
  
Raziel: The pillars of Nosgoth. Pristine, whole, uncorrupted. Bling bling. I had never beheld them in this undefiled state - yet something profound and indelible resonated within me at the sight. (Then, noticing Kain)  
  
And there, groovin' to the sounds of James Brown at the very heart of the Pillars, was the canker that was destined to destroy them. (He goes into Autoface mode, and the Reaver pops out, its loud 'whooshing' noise making him conspicuous. Rather, it would have were Kain not listening to 'Papa's got a brand new Bag' at top volume. Raziel comes up closer behind him.)  
  
  
  
Kain: (dancing smoothly to the song) Papa! He doin' the Jerk! He doin' the fly! Don't play him cheap cause you know he ain't shy! He doin' the Monkey, the Mashed Potato, jump back Jack, see ya later alligator...  
  
  
  
Raziel: (staring in horror) My god!  
  
  
  
Kain: (continues jammin' until the song fades out) Holla back, Raziel.  
  
  
  
Raziel: Jesus Wilbur Christ! (he stumbles back in shock)  
  
  
  
Kain: I knew you was there, young bo'. I just had to finish gettin' my dance on.  
  
Raziel: Fuck your dance! Moebius told me you'd be here and now I will fuck you up! (He lunges)  
  
Kain: (sidestepping) Nigga, please! Dat shit be old! An' I KNOW I ain' gon' get mah ass beat by no foo' dat be listening to Moebius! Dat bo' is TRIPPIN'.  
  
Raziel: Shut the hell up! I'm gonna count to three and then cut your face off with the Reaver!  
  
Kain: Nigga, you DO kill me, and you just Moebius' bitch. You wanna be his bitch? Cause you know if you drop the soap, yo ass is FUCKED.  
  
Raziel: What the FUCK are you TALKING about!!  
  
Kain: You know I got dat bangin' join' round my way dat goes through time? Yo, dat join' BEEN told me all the shit that you gon' do. But the story of YO life, nigga, dat be trippin'! We gotsta fire our shitty-ass screenwriter's ass and write that shit ourSELVES!  
  
Raziel: Turn the hell around! I don't want to have to stick this Reaver up your--  
  
Kain: (turns around, in shock and disgust) Damn, bo'! Dat shit NASTY! PLEASE don't be talking dat shit while other people around! Now YOU need to shut up and let yo' daddy talk, or I'm'a get mah belt off.  
  
Raziel: Fuck you.  
  
Kain: Watch yo self! Next time you be talking dat shit yo ass is BEAT! Now guess what kinda big shit be goin' down right now.  
  
Raziel: (sarcastically) Yo' ass about to be dead, that's what.   
  
Kain: I warned you nigga! And you WRONG. Right now, Ariel's ass be gettin' shot up by some badass. And my momma is crappin' out my little black ass. And then dis bo' Nupraptor--he be guardin' some mind shit or some shit, I ain't even know, cause I just had da kick his ass--anyway, he bangin' Ariel and when he find her dead he be fuckin' crazy! He be like 'Yo nigga! You ain't TOUCH my lady!' and then he fuckin' made the whole Circle go fucking crazy, and guess who had to fuckin' kill dem crazyass niggas? (He taps his chest with his enlarged thumb-claw) And they all go fuckin' insane, and the damn pillars get black too. But see, when he did his crazy shit, I was already one o' dem Guardians, so I got fuckin' crazy too. My momma always said 'Youngun, it something wrong wit' yo head! Have some collard greens!' and so then, I got killed and turned into a vampire, and also got turned white, and so den all dese people telling me I gotsta kill the circle. So I fucked dem niggas up.  
  
Raziel: (interrupting) So, you're the last 'crazyass nigga'. That means I have to fuck YOU up! Step closer so I can kill you!  
  
Kain: (reaching for his belt buckle and casting a dangerous glance at Raziel) I'm warning you...yeah, and stay in check too, youngun! Now, I want you to stop actin' like you some good guy. You would not give a SHIT about me being some fuckin' pillar-nigga if I ain't fuck you up befo'. Now, see, I had to make a choice. Like it wasn't bad enough, me bein' a white vampire an' all. I had to choose that either kill myself to save the damn world, but if I did that then the last surviving vampire and the last surviving black person in Nosgoth would die, or I could just say 'Fuck the pillars, an' you too you bitch wit' you nastyass fucked up face!' and become God. So I became God. It was bangin'.   
  
Raziel: Yeah, and for the pillars to go back to normal I have to kill you! Which is what I've been trying to do all along! So if you say you have to die, and I say you have to die, then why do you keep talking?  
  
Kain: Cause ain't no nigga jus' gon' die like DAT! Whitey been tryin' keep us down fo' EVER and we had da learn da fight back! See, I ain't know it back then, but there's another way outta dat damn decision. And you are part of it. But you gotsta get schooled and figure dat shit out yoself, cause I ain't had mashed potatos in DAMN LONG. Holla!  
  
(He disappears)  
  
Raziel: I don't know what impulse stayed my hand, after I had pursued Kain so long. But I wasn't concerned about that now, cause he left this real fancy, expensive stereo behind that I could never afford. But if this world truly had secrets to divulge, I would beat it until it divulged them. 


	4. Soul Casserole

Raziel: These were the Pillars familiar to my blighted eyes, yadda yadda yadda. And there, hovering around the pillars, I could discern the spirit of Ariel.  
  
(Ariel is floating around, and a ghostly, shimmering squarish object is sitting on the ground. Raziel walks forward toward her. She turns to him)  
  
Raziel: Ariel!  
  
Ariel: (In a wierd voice reminiscent of Terry Jones' old woman impression from Monty Python) (She is irritated) What is it? Do you have to interrupt me?  
  
Raziel: Yes! This is important! Are you busy or something?  
  
Ariel: Well, hon, I'm bakin' a casserole. I don't want to overcook it!  
  
Raziel: (Taken aback) a CASSEROLE?  
  
Ariel: Yes, dearie. A casserole. It gives me something to do with my time. It's boring here, you know, being damned to the Pillas for all eternity. I have to occupy my time somehow.  
  
Raziel: (Trying to break the ice) Uh....what kind of....uh...casserole are you baking?  
  
Ariel: Soul casserole, dearie.  
  
Raziel (His eyes light up) Really? You devour souls too? Can I have some?  
  
Ariel: Actually darlin', it's for the Sluaghs.  
  
Raziel: (Suddenly pissed) For the SLUAGHS!?! Are you INSANE? I eat those things for dinner! You should let ME have that casserole! (He lunges for the ghostly oven Ariel is baking with, but goes through it and knocks his head on what's left of the Balance Pillar).  
  
Ariel: Sorry, dear, but it's for the Sluaghie-Waughies--  
  
Raziel (raging) SLUAGHIE WAUGHIES!?!?! *$%$#!! Whoever killed you was on the right track! RRRRRR!  
  
Ariel: (staying calm and floating above Raziel) Well, you know, hon, those Sluaghies need their nourishment. I may as well give it to them in a good, homecooked dish. And besides, if I feed them, it stops them from trying to devour me.  
  
Raziel: (bouncing off the remains of the pillars) I can't believe this! I'm chasing Kain through history to kill him, for WHAT?! So this dump can be pretty again and you can leave? Well you know what, I think you can STAY HERE! I won't kill Kain and that's that. So there! You're going to be here forever and I'll LAUGH at you! Hahahahahahaah (breaks down into helpless laughter)  
  
Ariel: (raising the eyebrow that still exists) Well darlin, I think you need to sit down and take a few deep breaths. Anyway, my casserole's done. (She pulls a spectral casserole out of the oven and vanishes into the Spiritual Realm)  
  
Raziel: (Sees her vanish and stops raging for a minute to catch his breath, then abandons his physical form and follows her into Spectral)  
  
(In the Spectral Realm, Ariel is serving the casserole to three Sluaghs. They stick their faces in and eat it, and Ariel poofs back into the Physical Realm. Raziel then charges at the Sluaghs, Soul Reaver waving)  
  
Sluaghs: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  
  
Raziel: I'll GET YOU FOR THAT! (He lunges at the closest one. It suddenly looms up way above his head and grins. It tries to stomp him, and he runs for the nearest Planar Portal. Finally making it there he manifests himself in the Physical Realm just as the Gigasluagh's foot comes crashing down. Ariel is smiling pleasantly at him)  
  
Ariel: Did you have a good time?  
  
Raziel: Ahhhh! There was this huge Sluagh and it tried to stomp me! It was THIS big! Help! Help! (He runs past the Pillars)  
  
Ariel: I told you that casserole nourished my little Sluaghies!  
  
(Raziel runs right into the path of a Fire Demon behind the Pillars and is knocked back into the Spectral Realm by the shock. Ariel turns back to her oven.)  
  
Ariel: Soul Pie...Soul Pie...let me see..three souls, mix with flour.... 


End file.
